The whooshing release of breaks and revving engine means that I am late again, missing my bus by seconds because I am stuck waiting to cross the street. I am half tempted to dart through traffic as though I am Jack Bauer. The dilemma becomes one of waiting for thirty minutes for the next bus or driving to campus and paying $15 to park for the day. My bank account makes my decision, and I walk into work and class late and apologetic, getting off to a bad start.
***
The marching band is practicing below, their noise muted only briefly by the jackhammer of the construction crew that is ripping up the sidewalk below my window. This is what is sounds like to have an assistantship in the only office located in an otherwise completely vacant wing in a university auditorium. I put on headphones and turn up my music, effectively walling myself off from everything but my computer screen. I do whatever they ask me to do: making podcasts, researching competitors, writing ad copy. At the end of the day, when I walk back to my bus stop, I will have a line pressed into my hair from where the head band rested for eight hours.
***
Sometimes at night I can't sleep, my anxiety reaching an unbearable crescendo just as I am about to fade off. That assignment wasn't good enough. You need to do more research. It's effect, not affect, stupid. Stop procrastinating. Why can't you just get on with it--why does it take you forever to write something? Three more years of this crap. Then a lifetime. Yippee.
***
My home phone rings, and I ignore it. Then my doorbell is pushed three times in quick succession. It's a renters market and everyone thinks they are entitled to a free apartment. They show up in front of my door when I am still in my pajamas, expecting a tour and flinching at the notion of a deposit. When I don't answer the front door they wait outside the building, calling the landline over and over and over. I crouch down and peer from behind one of my blinds--they are sitting outside in a red van, cellphone to their ear. I jump back and lay on the floor on my stomach, counting to 100 before daring to peek through the blinds a second time.
***
Since I have not posted in 10 months, I thought I would re-engage with the world by following Zamina's lead and summarizing some of the highlights:
March, 2009: Recover from stay in the hospital; Conduct research at an area community college; Write a micro chapter for a new book on women in higher education; Wonder how academic publishing happened before email
April: Serve as an alum presenter at alma mater’s Phi Beta Kappa initiation ceremony: fake my way through Greek and Latin mumbo jumbo and then teach the generation of students the secret PBK handshake.
May: Go to Chicago with Bridgette: Art Institute, Hull House, vertigo, catfish Friday, cinnamon rolls the size of my head, 1 a.m. pizza
June: Get hugged by Tony Kushner; Start new assistantship with the provost's office; present at my first research conference; attend 10-year college reunion without proper accessories (e.g. husband, house, and children).
July: Learn HTML and Dreamweaver; fill out paperwork for the Institutional Review Board (IRB) at three separate universities so that I can begin a new research project; Presidential Road trip with Gintastic: Buddy Holly crash site, Surf Ballroom, Hoover Library, Arthur Bryant's, iPhone saves the day, Truman Library, Oregon Trail Museum, Eisenhower Library, Free State Beer, Jesse James Farm, romance novel on tape
August: Spend every spare moment studying for doctoral written preliminary exam; sit for 5 hours writing preliminary exam only to find out that I have to re-take one of the questions in January.
September: Write a second book chapter for the year with my advisor; turn 33 and celebrate with an evening at the Zombie Den; Serve as peer reviewer for an academic journal
October: Write 3, 30+ page conference papers; Received word that an article my advisor and I submitted to a top 3 peer-reviewed journal will be accepted for publication; Fill in as substitute teacher for one of my professors
November: Present at two back-to-back research conferences in Vancouver and Atlanta; Meet researchers who I idolize, and then find myself tongue tied when they give me positive feedback on my work; Begin new research partnership with the State office of higher education; Settle on dissertation topic
December: Work on writing 2 new articles to submit to journals; Cry over receiving first “B” in a course since high school; Attain an A- in statistics (!!!); Purchase tangerine colored KitchenAid stand mixer; have mini-nervous breakdown
January: Resolve to be less stressed and to have more fun in 2010.